A Comic History of the United States (2024)

P.S.—The illustration opposite is intended to take the place of a giftchromo, which we at first contemplated giving away with this book. It isto some extent allegorical, and will be explained at some future time, ifnecessary.

DEDICATION.

It seems the printer has left a blank place on this pagefor a “dedication.” In the early stages of this work, it istrue, the author had thought of inscribing it to a wealthyaunt, (who has no other incumbrances,) but on more maturedeliberation he has decided to send her instead a nice chinashaving mug appropriately inscribed in gold letters, “Forgetme Not.” It will look less pointed.

The compilation of a history of any country is a seriousmatter, and should not be entered upon rashly. Beforeundertaking the present work, therefore, the author deliberatedfor twenty-nine years and six months, and then,having consulted the best legal as well as medicalauthorities, entered upon the task with fear and trembling.He hired a vacant lot on Nassau street, and fenced it in,and there, surrounded by the paraphernalia of literatureand art, he went to work with pen and pencil to jot down theleading incidents of American history to the best of a somewhatdefective memory.

The illustrations have been our chief care, though theletter-press will be found equally reliable. It was our originalplan to flavor these pages with a spice of romance, butafter a prolonged altercation with Mr. Carleton, our publisher,we decided to adhere strictly to facts. If the readershould happen to detect any slight anachronism in this work,or has reason to suspect that the unities have been lost sight12of in a single instance, he will please notify us as early aspossible.

When it first became noised abroad that we contemplatedbringing out an illustrated history of the United States wewere deluged with letters from a host of well-disposed persons,such as Thomas Carlyle, James Parton, Wendell Phillipsand others of more or less literary ability, offering to “writeup” to our pictures. Mr. Carlyle said he could do it nights.But the public was not to be trifled with, so we resolved to putour shoulder to the literary as well as the artistic wheel, asit were, and we flatter ourselves we have demonstrated inthese pages that truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Our task is completed, and we lay aside pen and pencil,feeling that we have done the State a service and that agreat load is off our mind. If the work we have just completedshall run through several editions we shall feel that theState has proved sufficiently grateful, and that a still greaterload is off our mind.

The sun was just sinking below the westernhorizon on the evening of September11th, 1492, when a respectably dressedpersonage of sea-faring appearance mighthave been seen occupying an elevated positionin the rigging of a Spanish ship, andgazing intently out over a vast expanseof salt water upon what at first sight appearedto be an apple dumpling of colossalproportions, but which upon more carefulinspection subsequently turned out to bea NEW WORLD.

14We will not keep the reader longer insuspense; that sea-faring man was ChristopherColumbus, and the object which attractedhis attention was America!

This adventurous person had sailed fromthe port of Palos, in Spain, on the 3d ofAugust with the avowed purpose of “seeingthe world;” and who, thinking hemight as well see a new world while hewas about it, sailed in the direction ofAmerica.

For further particulars the reader is referredto the accompanying sketch, which,with startling fidelity, portrays the sceneat the thrilling moment when a new continentbursts upon the bold navigator’s vision.Pray cast your eye aloft and beholdthe great Christopher discovering Americaas hard as ever he can. The flashing eye,16the dilating nostril, the heaving bosom, thetrembling limbs, the thrilling nerves, theheroic pose, all vigorously set forth in astyle which speaks volumes—nay, wholelibraries for our artist’s graphic power andknowledge of anatomy. We will nexttrouble the reader to let the eye wanderoff to the dim distance, where the newworld looms majestically up, and standsout boldly against the setting sun, previouslyalluded to, which illuminates the scenewith golden splendor, and bathes the newborn continent in a flood of dazzling light.

If the patient reader will be good enoughto examine this picture with a powerfulmicroscope, he will discover, standing uponthe utmost prominence of the new world,and in imminent danger of falling off, acitizen of the country who welcomes the17stranger with uplifted tomahawk and awild war-whoop.

Lifting our eyes skyward we see theAmerican eagle soaring forth to meet thegreat discoverer, with outstretched pinions,and bringing his whole family with him.We confess that we, for one, cannot gazeupon this scene without envying Mr. Columbusthe luxury of his emotions andwishing we knew where there was a newworld lying around loose that we might goright off and discover it.

Christopher Columbus was born at Genoain Italy, a country chiefly famous forits talented organ-grinders. The youthfulChristopher soon made the melancholy discoverythat he had no talent in that direction.His tastes then rather took a scientificturn. This was a sad blow to his fond parents,who did hope their son would take aturn at the hurdy-gurdy instead.

His aged father pointed out that Science19was low and unprofitable, Geology was ahumbug, Meteorology and Madness weresynonymous terms, and Astronomy oughtto be spelled with two S’s.

In vain his doting mother gently soughtto woo him to loftier aims, and, in the fondnessof a mother’s love, even presented himwith a toy barrel-organ which played threebars of “Turn, sinner, turn,” in the hopethat it might change the whole current ofhis life; but the undutiful child immediatelytraded it off to another boy for a bamboofishing rod, out of which he constructeda telescope, and he used to lie upon hisback for hours, far, far into the night,catching cold and scouring the heavens withthis crude invention. One night his sorrow-strickenparents found him thus, and theyknew from that moment that all was lost!

21Our hero took to the water naturallyvery early in life. Let the youth of Americaremember this. Let the youth of everyland who contemplate discovering newworlds remember that strong drink is fatalto the discovery business; for it is ourcandid opinion, that, had ChristopherColumbus taken to, say strong coffee in hisvery earliest infancy, the chances are thatAmerica would never have had a Centennial,and these pages had never been written.Two circ*mstances which the stoutestheart among us cannot for a momentcontemplate without a shudder.

When Columbus reached man’s estatehe became a hard student, and spent themost of his time in his library,

23His mind, consequently, soared beyondthe pale of mere existing facts and circ*mstances,and sought to fold its eager pinionson lofty roosting places yet undiscovered.

And thus it was, that, after revolvingthe matter in his mind for forty years ormore, Columbus arrived at the conclusionthat the earth was round, not flat, (as was thepopular belief at that time,) and boldlysaid so in round terms. People called hima lunatic, an original character, and otherharsh names, and otherwise pooh-pooh’dthe idea.

But Columbus not only adhered to histheory, but went so far as to assert that bysailing due west from Europe you would,if you kept on sailing, bring up somewherein eastern Asia.

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“Oh, come now, Christopher! really, this25is going to far!” is what public opinionsaid, and when our hero petitioned theItalian Congress to fit out an expeditionand let him prove his theory, it magnanimouslyoffered to set him up in businesswith a first-class barrel-organ and an educatedmonkey cashier on condition of hisleaving the country once for all; but Columbus,expressing his regret for his lackof musical ability, declined this generousoffer and turned with a sigh to other governmentsfor assistance. Finally, after fifteenyears of effort, he succeeded in convincingQueen Isabella of Spain that therewas an undiscovered country beyond theseas, overflowing with milk and honey,which it would be worth while to “workup.” He proved his theory with the aidof an egg, (which he made stand on end,)26an old Boston City Directory, and a groundplan of Philadelphia, (see school books,)and demonstrated to the good lady’s entiresatisfaction that she might realize largelyby fitting out an expedition and let him atit* head go and discover it.

So conclusive were these arguments tothe mind of Queen Isabella that the goodold soul allowed him to fit out an expeditionat his own expense, and gave himcarte blanche to discover America asmuch as he wanted to. We have seen howwell he succeeded. All this took place threehundred and eighty-three years, fourmonths, and five days ago, but it seems tous but yesterday.

Ah! how time flies!

On the return of Columbus to Spain, hepublished a map of his voyage in one of theillustrated papers of the day. Throughthe courtesy of the publishers of that paperwe are enabled to place this map beforeour readers.

29Here it is translated from the originalSpanish. If the gentle reader can makehead or tail of it he is more gentle even thanwe had at first supposed. The publicationof this map at the time naturally inspiredothers with the spirit of adventure, anddiscovering America became quite therage. Indeed, so common were voyages ofdiscovery to the New World, that onlyone besides that of Columbus is deemed ofsufficient note to find a place in this history.We allude to that of AmericusVespucius.

This gentleman, who was a Florentineby birth, made a voyage to South Americain 1499. He wrote sensational lettersto the papers describing his voyage andthe country, which were afterwards publishedin book form by a German geographer,who gave the name “America” tothe New World, but this history cheerfullyaccords to [1]Christopher Columbus the imperishableglory of finding out the roosting-placeof the American eagle.

1.Mr. Columbus is better known as the author of thatsoul-stirring melody, “Hail Columbia!”

It was a century or more after the eventsnarrated in the last chapter before any attemptwas made to establish a colony inAmerica, or before civilization got anypermanent foothold.

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32In 1606 a certain “London company”got out a patent on Virginia, and the nextyear sent over a ship-load of old bachelorsto settle its claim. They landed at Jamestownin the month of May, and here thewretched outcasts went into lodgings forsingle gentlemen.

The whole country was a howling wilderness,overrun with Indians, wild beastsand Jersey mosquitoes.

These hardy pioneers had come to anunexplored region with a vague, generalidea that they were to dig gold, tradewith the Indians, get enormously rich andreturn home. So sanguine were they ofspeedy success that they planted nothingthat year. The few sandwiches they hadbrought with them were soon consumed,the gold did not “pan out,” the Indiansdrove very hard bargains, offering a readymarket for hair, but giving little or nothingin return.

34To make matters worse, the Fevernager,a terrible disease of the period, got amongthem, and by fall only a handful of the colonistsremained, and these were a very shakylot indeed, with not clothing enough amongthem to wad a shot-gun.

Among this seedy band was one JohnSmith, who, being out of funds himself,and a public spirited person withal, sawthat unless provisions could be obtainedshortly, the scheme of colonizing Americawould be a failure.

He went into the lecture field, holdingforth to large and fashionable audiences,composed of intelligent savages, upon thescience of navigation, illustrating his lecturewith an old mariner’s compass that indicatedall four of the cardinal points at once,and a superannuated bulls-eye watch that36would do nothing but tick. These simple-mindedchildren of nature listened withattentive ears, and looked on with wonderingeyes, and came down largely with greencorn, sardines, silk hats, hard boiled eggs,fall overcoats, pickled oysters, red handkerchiefs,ice cream, dried herring, kidgloves, pickled tripe, and other Indianluxuries, which proved invaluable to thestarving, threadbare colonists. Thus it isseen that Mr. Smith obtained on tick[2] whathe had no cash to pay for.

2.The reader may occasionally find this sort of thing inthese pages but he is entreated not to be startled.

Although Mr. Smith was regarded as atalented man from a scientific point of view,and was even mentioned in the nativepapers as undoubtedly a god, yet he wassometimes grossly misunderstood by these37artless aborigines, and on one occasion theyarrested him on a general charge of hocus-pocusor witchcraft, and carried him beforeChief Justice Powhatan to be tried for hislife.

The jury brought in a verdict of “guilty”on all the counts, and the hapless Smithwas condemned to death. His counsel didall they could to establish an alibi, but invain. It was a clear case; a fair trial hadbeen given their pale brother and he mustsuffer the penalty. As a last resort, Mr.Smith offered, first, his bull’s-eye watch,and finally, the old mariner’s compass, forhis life, but Judge Powhatan could not seethe point. He had never seen a white mandie, and was panting for a new sensation.He therefore ordered the entertainment toproceed without more delay.

38Having previously had his scalp removed,the doomed man thanked his captorsfor all their kindness, and requesting theexecutioner to make a good job of it, placedhis head upon the fatal block. The dreadinstrument of death was uplifted, and Mr.Smith was really apprehensive that histime had come. He closed his eyes andwhistled the plaintive air,

There was a hush of pleasant anticipation—adeadly silence—you might haveheard a pin drop—indeed, you might haveheard ten pins drop.

At this supreme moment Pocahontas, thebeautiful and accomplished daughter ofJudge Powhatan, appeared upon the scene,tastefully dressed as a ballet girl, and using39some pretty strong arguments with herfather, obtained from him a stay of proceedings,and the prisoner’s life was spared.

40Powhatan apologized to Mr. Smith forthe loss of his hair, and handsomely offeredto buy him a wig. John admitted that itwas rather a closer shave than he had beenaccustomed to, but at the same time hebegged the learned gentleman not to mentionit, and made the best of his way backto Jamestown laden with presents, whichwere subsequently stolen by the donors.

Many persons look upon this incident asapocryphal, but we are prepared to assurethem upon personal knowledge of itstruthfulness. For, during a brief butbloodless campaign in Virginia in 1864,whither we had gone as a gory “hundredday’s man” to put down the Rebellion, sixteen41different identical spots were pointedout to us where Pocahontas saved the lifeof Captain Smith.

If there be any lingering doubt in themind of any one we point him in triumphto any of our ably written city directories,the careful perusal of which will convincethe most sceptical mind of Mr. Smith’ssafety.

Pocahontas afterwards married a youngEnglish lord, (our American girls marrytitles whenever they get the chance,) andat last accounts was doing very well.

Mr. Smith was elected president, by alarge majority, of the little colony, whichbegan to thrive henceforth, and was soonreinforced by other adventurers from England.

43In the fall of 1609 Mr. Smith was compelledto return to England on account ofa boil on his neck, or to have a toothdrawn, we forget which—but that is a meredetail.

Virginia became a fixed fact, and in 1664was ceded to the Crown of Great Britain,which maintained jurisdiction over it untilabout the year 1776. On page 42 we reproducethe great Seal of Virginia. Theallegory is so strikingly and beautifullyobvious as to need no further elucidation.

Massachusetts was first settled by PilgrimFathers who sailed from England in theyear 1620 on board the May Flour, givingdirections to the captain to set them downat some place where they could enjoy religiousfreedom, trusting rather to hisknowledge of Navigation than of Theologyto land them at the right place.

Thinking wild savages least likely toentertain pronounced religious prejudices,the captain of the May Flour bethought46him of America, and landed them hap-hazardat Plymouth, Massachusetts, on the 21stof December, 1620. The Pilgrims madethemselves as comfortable on PlymouthRock as possible, and formed a treaty withthe Indians which lasted several days.

The accompanying sketch not only accuratelyillustrates the event just narrated,but gives us a faithful and striking portraitof each of the Pilgrim Fathers, which willbe immediately recognized by all theiracquaintances. The drawing is made froma photograph taken on the spot by anartistic Pilgrim, who brought his camerawith him, hoping to turn a penny by photographingthe natives. We may hereincidentally remark that his first native“subject,” dissatisfied with the result of a“sitting,” scalped the artist and confiscated47his camera, which he converted into a rudesort of accordion. This instrument wasthe cause in a remote way of the ingeniousnative’s death, for he was promptly assassinatedby his indignant neighbors. Let theyoung man over the way, who has recentlytraded his mother’s flat-irons for a concertina,take warning.

48As some of our readers may not knowwhat a Pilgrim Father is, and as it is thebusiness of this book to make straight allthe crooked paths of history, we beg tostate that a Pilgrim Father is a fellow whobelieves in hard-money piety, if we may beallowed the expression, and with whom nopaper substitute will pass current. Allothers are counterfeit, and none genuinewithout the signature, “Puritan.”

Having come so far to enjoy religious49freedom, the Puritans took it unkind if anyone ventured to differ with them. Ourillustration shows their style of reformingQuakers in 1656. They used, as will beseen, a very irresistible line of argument,and the dissenting party thus “dealt” withgenerally found it useless to combat old-establishedprejudices.

It is not for the unimpassioned historianto comment upon such a system of orthodoxy.We will say, however, that thePuritans meant well, and were on thewhole worthy sort of persons. At anyrate, Plymouth Rock was a success, andmay be seen to this day (with certainmodifications) in the identical spot wherethe Pilgrim Fathers found it.

Connecticut is an Indian word and signifiesLong River. We know, because allthe Indian dictionaries we ever read rightthrough give this definition.

In 1636, if our memory serves us, Connecticutwas claimed by both the Dutchand English, who had a long dispute aboutit. Neither faction comprehended whatthe dispute was about, as the Dutch didnot understand English nor the EnglishDutch. All the Dutch knew was that51their antagonists were tam Yankees, andthe latter were equally clear that theirswere blarsted Dutchmen in the worst senseof the word, and thus the matter stoodwhen, fortunately, an interpreter arrivedthrough whom the quarrel was conductedmore understandingly. It ended in favorof the English.

The Dutch, it would appear, turnedout to be less blarsted than was at firstsupposed, and, shaking the dust fromtheir wooden shoes, emigrated to NewJersey.

In the year 1636 it occurred to KingCharles II to grant Connecticut a charter,which, considered as a charter, was a greathit. It gave the people the power to governthemselves. Whenever a Connecticutiantraveled abroad folks said, “There goes52the Governor of Connecticut,” and he reallyfelt himself a man of consequence.

This charter was afterwards annulled byKing James II on his accession to thethrone, who feared, no doubt, that thepeople of Connecticut would govern themselvestoo much, as the population was increasingrapidly. He appointed a Governorfrom among his poor relations andsent him over to take charge of Connecticut.

Connecticut it seems rather took care ofhim than otherwise. He varied the monotonyof a brief public career by makingsundry excursions on rail-back, if we maybe allowed the expression, under the auspicesof an excited populace. He foundthe climate too hot to be agreeable, particularlyas his subjects presented him with a53beautiful Ulster overcoat of cold tarand goose feathers, and common politenesscompelled him to wear it. Need we saythe new Governor begged to be recalled?

In the meantime the charter given byCharles II was not destroyed. It wastaken care of by Captain Wadsworth, whohid with it in a hollow oak tree, where heremained until the death of the despoticJames, which, fortunately, was only aboutfour years, when King William, a realnice man, ascended the throne, and he satdown and wrote to Captain Wadsworth,begging he would not inconvenience himselffurther on his (William’s) account. It wasthen that the Charter Oak gave back thefaded document and Captain Wadsworth,both in a somewhat dilapidated condition.

While confined in the hollow tree the55Captain beguiled the tedium of restrictedliberty by inventing the wooden nutmeg, anumber of which he whittled out of bits ofwood taken from the walls of his prison.He subsisted almost exclusively upon theseduring the four years of his voluntary incarceration,and immediately after hisrelease got out a patent on his invention,which he afterwards “swapped” off to aprofessor in Yale College, who, we understand,made a handsome fortune out of it.

Thus it ever is that patriotism andself-abnegation for the public weal meetswith ample reward.

Rhode Island was first settled by a desperatecharacter named Roger Williams,who was banished by the Puritans fromMassachusetts because he entertained certaininflammatory views decidedly antagonisticto the enjoyment of religious freedom,namely: that all denominations of Christianityought to be protected in the newcolony.

This, of course, was mere heresy upon theface of it, and our forefathers proceeded to“deal” with Brother Williams in the true58Puritanic style, when the misguided manbade them a hasty farewell and left on thefirst train for Rhode Island.

He brought up in a camp of NarragansettIndians, whom he found more liberalin their religious views.

The blind and bigoted Williams, with afew other renegades from the Puritanstronghold, established a colony at thehead of Narragansett Bay, which theycalled Providence.

Other settlements soon sprang up, andthe hardened sinner Williams went toEngland and obtained a charter whichunited all the settlements into one colony.

At the beginning of the RevolutionRhode Island had a population of 50,000blinded bigots.

New Hampshire was a sickly child fromthe first, and of somewhat uncertain parentage.It was claimed by many proprietors,who were continually involved in lawsuits.Its soil was not very fertile, and yieldedlittle else than Indians and lawyers. Theformer were the most virulent of which anyof the colonies could boast, and the latterwere of the young and “rising” sort.

These two elements managed to make itextremely lively for the average colonist,who was scalped upon the one hand and61“skinned” upon the other. At first thehorny-handed son of toil fondly hoped toraise corn, but owing to the poverty of thesoil it was a day’s journey from hill to hill,and as much as a man’s scalp was worth toundertake to travel it. At harvest timethere was an immense crop of cobble stonesand no market for it.

Fortunately, in time the lawyers becamestarved out, but two great drawbacks toprosperity yet remained; sterility of soiland hostile Indians.

But the time was at hand when boththese evils were to be remedied. His namewas Smith—John Smith, of course—whor*adily undertook the contract of not onlyexterminating the Indians, but of fertilizingthe soil.

To accomplish the first of these great62ends, he disguised himself as a medicineman, and went boldly among the noble redmen, inducting them into the mysteries ofthe manufacture and consumption of NewEngland rum. He found them apt pupils,and it was not long before every Red ofthem, from the biggest sachem to the latestpapoose, could not only distill his own fire-water,but drink it, too.

There was soon a very noticeable thinningout in the ranks of the noble red men, anda good deal was said about the setting sun.

The fire-water did its work thoroughly,and the colonists were at length masters ofthe situation so far as Indians were concerned.

The next thing was to make the landproductive. This was a more laboriousand tedious undertaking than the first, but63John Smith was equal to the emergency.He caused dirt to be carted from a neighboringState until the rocky surface ofNew Hampshire was completely coveredwith a rich sandy loam a foot or two deep.The people raised “some pumpkins” afterthat, we are informed.

Thus was agriculture established on asolid basis, and New Hampshire maderapid progress.

All honor to John Smith.

New York was discovered in 1609 byone Henry Hudson, an Englishman by birth,but to all intents and purposes a Dutchman,being then in the service of Holland.

Immediately on his arrival he began thework of building a bridge across the Eastriver, which, it is feared, he never wasable to finish. Traces of this quaint structureare plainly to be seen to this day, andhave been known, time out of mind, as the“New East River Bridge.”

65Manhattan Island, upon which New Yorknow stands, was settled by the Dutch, whocalled it New Netherlands (afterwardsNew Amsterdam). They bought it of theIndians, paying for the entire island thefabulous sum of twenty-five dollars, andliquidated the purchase with fire-water;but that was before the panic, when therewas more “confidence” in business circlesthan now, and there had been as yet noinflation talk.

New York has changed hands since then,and we understand the property has enhancedin value somewhat. We doubtvery much if the island could be boughtto-day for double the price originally paidfor it, even the way times are now.

Any one comparing the two picturesaccompanying this chapter will see how67marvelously we have improved since thedays of the Dutch. No. 1 is copied froman old print, dating back to 1620, and iswarranted wholly reliable. It is undoubtedlythe Sabbath day, for in the foregroundis seen an influential citizen of the period,who has come down to the Battery tomeditate and fish for eels. He is thinking“How many ages hence will this, his loftyscene, be acted over.” Presently he willcatch an eel.

Sketch No. 2 is of more recent origin,and was taken from our artist’s window.When this picture was first drawn theBrooklyn pier of the bridge was plainlydiscernible in the background. But sincethen our landlord, who is a German, andconducts a restaurant on Teutonic principleson the ground floor, has humanely run up68a vent-pipe from his kitchen opposite ourwindow, which necessarily excludes thepicturesque ruin of the bridge from view.The reader will observe that nothing isnow visible but a tall square sheet irontube and an overpowering sense of garlic,which destroy at once our view and ourappetite.

Not many generations ago New Jerseywas a buzzing wilderness—howling wouldbe a misnomer, as the tuneful mosquito hadit all to himself.

The tuneful mosquito was, in fact, yourtrue New Jersey aboriginal, and we donot hesitate to assert that the wildernessbuzzed. But the time came at last whenthe wilderness of New Jersey was to havesomething else to do.

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In the year (confound it! what year71was it now?) a select company of colonistslanded at Hoboken, led by one PhilipCarteret. The latter carried with him alarge supply of agricultural implements toremind the colonists that they must relymainly upon the cultivation of cabbages,and devote their energies more or less tothe manufacture of Apple Jack for theirlivelihood. But he soon saw his error, andimmediately cabled over for a supply ofmosquito nets to instill into their minds theaxiom that “self-preservation is the firstlaw of nature.”

Mr. Carteret opened a boarding housein Hoboken, to be conducted on strictlytemperance principles, and devoted hisleisure to the civilizing of the aborigines;but his efforts in this direction werecrowned with but partial success.

72It is an historical, but not the less melancholyfact, that the aboriginal inhabitantsof any country become effete as civilizationadvances. And thus it happens that,although the mosquito has been handeddown to us in modern times, we only beholdhim in a modified form. That he hasnot yet entirely lost his sting, the compilerof this work personally ascertained duringa four years’ exile in Hoboken. For allthat the Jersey mosquito of to-day is butan echo, as it were, of his ancestor ofcolonial times. How thankful should webe then that we were not early settlers.

Hoboken is the capital of New Jersey,and is principally inhabited by Italianbarons in disguise, who consecrate theirlives exclusively to the study of that kingof musical instruments, the barrel-organ.

73The Elysian Fields, just north of Hoboken,is a sylvan retreat where the elite ofthe adjacent cities congregate on Sundayafternoons to play base-ball and strewpeanut shells o’er the graves of departedcar-horses.

The first colony of Pennsylvania wasfounded in 1682 by Wm. Penn, a Quakergentleman of steady habits, who, with remarkableforesight settled at Philadelphia,because he thought it an eligible placeto hold a Centennial Exhibition. He tookout naturalization papers, and began bystudying the prejudices of the nativeswith a view to getting upon the goodside of them. He smoked the calumet ofpeace with them and treated them to hard75cider, under the mellowing influence ofwhich they said he was like “Onas.” Howwell he deserved this compliment thereader will comprehend at once by referenceto the accompanying illustration.The coincidence of resemblance is indeedstriking, though it must be admitted he isnot unlike a cigar sign either.

76Wm. Penn bought property in Philadelphia,where he resided for thirty-six years,getting along very well with the neighbors.In proof of which we may mention that in1718 he went back to England very well offindeed, where he died and was buried in hisown hair.

Lord Baltimore was the oldest inhabitantof Maryland. He named it after Mrs. CharlesII, whose maiden name was HenriettaMaria.

The name Henrietta Marialand wasfound rather unhandy for so small aprovince, so he afterwards cut it down toMaryland.

The first settlement was made at themouth of the Potomac river by a colonyof English ladies and gentlemen. Theylived chiefly upon green corn and tobacco,78which they cultivated in large quantities.When they ran out of funds the latter staplebecame their currency—the leaf tobaccobeing the paper money or “greenbacks,” andthe same dried, mixed with molasses andpressed into blocks or “plugs,” representedspecie or “hard money.” During thegrowth of the crop it was customary forthe capitalist to dig up his stalks everynight before going to bed, (previouslywatering them,) and lock them up in apatent burglar-proof safe, getting up beforesunrise next morning to replant them.

The inflation or depression of the moneymarket depended more or less upon thesuccess of the tobacco crop, and as the soilwas new there was seldom a panic. Onephase of the old Maryland monetary systemis graphically set forth on page 79.

The early history of the Carolinas hasfew cheerful phases. The first settlerswere Puritans, who, finding the businessunprofitable, sold out and went to speculatingin real estate. Preyed upon by speculatorsand Indians, as Carolina was, fewinducements were held out to emigrants ofgood moral character. Happily, however,about the beginning of the eighteenth centurya distinguished colored gentleman poeticallybut forcibly announced his intentionof emigrating to North Carolina “Wid debanjo on his knee,”—or was it Alabama?perhaps it was, but no matter. We arepositive as to the banjo at any rate. It isa matter of regret that he selected sounagricultural an instrument to begin lifewith in a new colony.

82On page 81 we give a reliable portraitof this individual of color.

Georgia was first settled in 1732 by onehundred and twenty emigrants (not tomention a surreptitious yellow dog that followedthem over) led by James Oglethorpe.

Civilization advanced but slowly at firstowing to the prohibition of rum and slavery.Twenty years later, however, Georgia wasannexed to the Crown, and these two civilizinginfluences were brought to bear uponsociety. Georgia made rapid strides afterthat.

Although the English were the oldestinhabitants, it would seem they were notto hold their new possessions undisputed.

The fame of the fledgeling continentspread abroad, and people all over theworld packed up their loins and girdledtheir traveling bags for a journey hither.Even France was suddenly seized with theemigrating fever, and soon became England’sprincipal rival in the new country.

She had heard of the American bull-frogas being the largest in the world, and ere86long the banks of the Mississippi from itssource to the Gulf were studded with hutswhose owners had left their homes in sunnyFrance in quest of frogs and freedom ina foreign clime.

Perched on yonder oscillating snag in midstream,or wading waist deep in the dismalbayou, armed with fishing tackle, his bronzedforehead furrowed with care and his hookbaited with red flannel, the sanguine Gaulsought to tempt the sonorous bull-frog fromhis native lair. Too often, alas! he surprisedthe aggressive alligator in his nativelair, fatally mistaking him for a first-classbull-frog of some rare species. Many anunwary Frenchman was taken in thus, butfrogs were hunted with unabated vigor, andevery day brought ship-loads of enthusiasticadventurers from the sunny land of France.

87So long as the Frenchmen confinedthemselves to the frogs, (and the alligatorsconfined themselves to the Frenchmen,)their English brethren tolerated them; butwhen it came to starting opposition cornergroceries, and organizing competitive horse-railwaycompanies, (which the French occasionallystepped aside from their legitimatepursuits to do,) they became a positivenuisance, you know. Besides the alligatorsdid not always discriminate betweenEnglish and French diet. If anything, theepicures of the species seemed to give preferenceto the former when any train of fortuitouscirc*mstances threw an occasionalEnglishman in their way.

The duty of the English seemed plainlyindicated to them, and they, being in themajority, were not slow in acting up to it,89by bringing to bear upon their rivals whatmay be termed an alligator policy. But weleave the rest to our artist, who with a fewdashes of his pencil on page 88 has savedus reams of manuscript and barrels of ink.He merely wishes us to explain that theparties on the wharf in the last picture areEnglish, with one exception.

Having seen civilization comfortablysettled in its new home, let us see how itconducted itself.

In the year 1660 certain bills were lobbiedthrough the English Parliament whichwere highly obnoxious to the Americancolonies then established in Virginia.These were called the Navigation Acts, andprohibited the colonists from sending theirpigs to any other market than England,nor allowed them to purchase any article91of commerce, not even a toothpick, fromany other country, and even that commoditymust be ordered from the King himselfand delivered in English vessels. If anyingenious colonist was caught whittling apine splinter or a lucifer match to a pointhe was looked upon as an outlaw and takenhome to England in irons to answer thecharge of manufacturing illegal toothpicks.The Navigation Acts were swallowed bythe colonists with wry faces for a centuryor so, and they were beginning to get usedto it. But when one fine day the MotherCountry invented a new dish, called the“Stamp Act,” and began to ladle it outthe docile colonists entered their gentleprotest.

The Stamp Act provided that the pigsand toothpicks must all bear the government92stamp—the stamps, of course, to bepaid for by the colonists.

The latter held town meetings, and thedistrict schoolmaster made inflammatoryspeeches denouncing the British Parliament;the provincial editor hurled defiance in theface of the Crown in a double-leaded article,which he marked with a blue lead penciland sent to the royal address with hisown handwriting. The Crown turned pale,and immediately ordered the Stamp Actto be repealed. It was hoped that thisconcession would put an end to all hardfeelings that had for a long time existedbetween Parliament and the Town Councilof Boston. But now the cry was raised of“No Taxation without Representation,”and when one day the news reached Bostonthat there had been a duty imposed on tea,93people took a sudden dislike for that beverage.They said the stamps spoiled theflavor for them, and refused to use it.

As a substitute they consoled themselveswith a peculiar infusion called porkinbeans,a well-known Boston beverage.

One day a ship-load of “Best EnglishBreakfast” arrived at the wharf, and allBoston picturesquely arrayed in Indiancostume turned out to unload it. In theexcitement of the moment the caddieswere accidentally tossed over the wrongside of the ship, the stamps having previouslybeen canceled by the absent-mindedcitizens.

Great Britain immediately sent overseveral ship-loads of troops, but these werescarcely less obnoxious than the cargo ofstamped tea, especially as they asked some94very embarrassing questions relative to thecareless unloading of said cargo.

95Patrick Henry, a member of the VirginiaLegislature, took it upon himself toreturn a rather evasive answer by “repeatingit, sir, WE MUST FIGHT!”

And we did fight.

The first gun was fired on the 19th ofApril, 1775, at Concord, where a large andselect assortment of explosives for celebratingthe coming Fourth of July was storedand guarded by a squad of minute-men.

A detachment of 3,000 British was sentto destroy these explosives.

“Disperse ye Rebels!” is what the Britishcommander remarked.

“You’re another!” promptly replied theminute-men, and immediately obeyed the98order to disperse. They placed an unexpectedconstruction upon it, however, for theydispersed the British troops, who deemed itexpedient to saunter back to Charlestown,where they found on counting noses thatthey were short some two hundred andeighty men.

This retreat of the British is one of themost brilliant on record, and, if we can believethe illustration on the opposite page,was conducted in a somewhat informalmanner. The unstudied yet animated actionof the pedal extremities speaks of a pressingengagement suddenly remembered thatmust not be neglected. There are certainanatomical peculiarities in this picture ofwhich the least said the better.

About two months after the events narratedin the last chapter the battle ofBunker Hill took place, June 19, 1775. Itwas conducted by General Bunker uponthe American side, while one General Hillled the British.

On this memorable occasion the Americansmanaged to destroy a thousand or soof the enemy, and might have done betterhad their supply of bullets held out.These becoming exhausted the noble fellowsfell back upon the brass buttons of100their uniforms, which they fired at the Britishas long as there was a button left amongthem.

The brave Bunker, when his stock ofbuttons gave out, bethought him of hisfalse teeth. He removed them from hismouth, and with fire in his eye and ahorse-pistol in his right hand, (holdingon his buttonless uniform with his left,)he turned upon the enemy a galling fireof “store” teeth, and every one of themtook effect, making sixteen of the red-coatsbite the dust.

In his official report of the battle whichhe sent to Congress the heroic man avers:that, if there had been a dentist handy toextract ’em, he would have sacrificed everydashed natural tooth in his head for thecause of Liberty.

102As a reward for his heroic conduct, Congresshad him measured for a new set ofelegant silver-mounted molars, which itpromised to present to him some day withan appropriate inscription. And yet theysay Republics are ungrateful!

For further information regarding thisgreat battle, see illustration. There wasa monument erected upon the spot tocommemorate the battle, and should youever go to Boston you will probably beasked, “Have you tried our baked beans,and have you seen Bunker Hill monument?”

One hot sultry day in the summer of1776 Thomas Jefferson eased his mind inan essay called the Declaration of Independence,which said in effect that theUnited Colonies of America had saved upmoney enough to start in business for themselves,and henceforth there was to be noconnection with over the way. This document,dated July 4, 1776, was signed byJohn Hanco*ck and a few other members104of Congress who had learned to write, andwas duly published in all the daily papers.We received a marked copy of one of thepapers in which it appeared at the time,and with a sort of vague instinct that wemight find it useful some day, cut it outand preserved it with religious care. Wereproduce it here in facsimile.

105It will be found to be a very readable article,and we advise our readers to peruse itcarefully, if they have to skip all the restof the book. The gentlemen who signed theDeclaration have courteously furnished ustheir autographs, which we also take theliberty of placing before our readers.

When the attention of Parliament was accidentallycalled to this article, in one of thepapers above alluded to, its feelings may bemore readily imagined than described. And106when that quaint old fossil Disraeli put onhis spectacles and read it “out loud” therewas not a dry eye in the house. Parliamentcried like a child, or, more properly,like a whole orphan asylum. Becomingcalmer after awhile they got out immenseillustrated yellow posters, representing anenraged lion engaged in bitter discussionwith a sanguinary one-eared mule, andafter stating that this was the Lion andthe Unicorn, the poster went on to saythat the Americans were rebels and humbugs,and further cautioned the publicagainst selling them goods on credit.

When these handbills were posted conspicuouslyand profusely on every stonewall, barn, and rail-fence in America, thespirit of ’76 rose to several per cent. aboveproof. War was declared, and General107Washington was appointed commander-in-chiefof the Continental army.

He gave strict orders to place none butAmericans on guard, while England sentmore troops to America, and expectedevery man to do his duty.

One dark, cold winter’s night GeneralWashington issued very strict orders indeedrelative to guard mounting, and each sentinelhad to either show his naturalizationpapers or give affidavit of American parentage.

The British hordes were encamped justacross the Delaware river in numbers greatlysuperior to the Americans, and were onlywaiting for the river to freeze over in order109that they might skate across and capturethe entire Continental army. As there was noimmediate prospect of that, however, owingto the mildness of the weather, and havingmuch spare time on their hands, the Britonsimproved their minds by the study of High-low-Jackand other branches of science.

It was Christmas night, and the wholearmy had been celebrating the day in goodold English style. Every minion of themhad inhaled more or less commissary whisky,and as night approached had succumbedto its sedative qualities.

General Washington saw how it wouldbe, and announced his intention of spendingthe evening out, without entering into furtherparticulars. He borrowed a log canoeof one of the neighbors and paddled acrossthe river amid floating ice and made the110whole army prisoners. The difficulty nowarose of getting the booty home. TheBritish army by actual count turned out tobe much larger than Washington hadanticipated, and he began to entertain seriousdoubts as to whether the small canoewould accommodate so many.

While he stood thus enjoying his triumph,and deliberating as to what courseto pursue next, an able-bodied Britishermanifested unmistakable symptoms ofreturning animation by raising himself onone elbow, and demanding in a loud voice ofthe Father of his Country what the highlycolored blazes the blarsted old three-corneredpig-tail meant by loafing about there, andthen ordered him in an incoherent mannerto “roll in another bar’l, and be quick aboutit.”

111With that coolness of deliberation whichcharacterized all his public acts, Washingtonhastily withdrew, leaving his prisonersto be called for at some future time.

A few days later, taking advantage of asudden cold snap, he crossed the Delawareonce more, taking a small army with him toassist in bringing his prisoners home. Thelatter had so far recovered from the effectsof Christmas as to make a stout resistance,and the battle of Trenton took place, resultingin favor of the Americans.

Washington crossing the Delaware furnisheda very good subject for a very badpainting, which may be seen among otherbad paintings in the Rotunda of the Capitolat Washington. At first sight this work ofart might be mistaken for an advertisingdodge of some enterprising ice company,112but there is not the slightest doubt it ismeant to bear a historical, not a commercialsignificance.

113On page 112 will be found a reliable versionof the incident briefly sketched, whichour artist is willing to work up in oil forthe Government if Congress will make asuitable appropriation and agree to furnisha barrel of oil and a few acres of canvas.

Sealed proposals addressed to care of thepublishers of this work will be promptlyconsidered.

On the 17th of October, 1777, GeneralWashington surrounded and captured theBritish army under Burgoyne at Saratoga,where they had been spending the Summer,and where it strikes us they had remainedrather late in the season.

The British were entirely out of provisions,and had been living exclusively oncongress water for some weeks past. Mr.Burgoyne had written home to the Crownthat, if the war was to be successfully116prosecuted in America, the army must besupplied with something more filling forthe price than mineral water. But hemust have forgotten to mail the letter,for no commissary stores arrived, and thesoldiers continued to subsist upon theiraqueous diet. They were consequentlygreatly reduced and fell an easy prey tothe Americans.

That year Congress adopted the Starsand Stripes as the flag of the United States,[3]which (with the addition of other starsfrom time to time) has been handed downto grateful posterity, and to-day proudlyreveals to the youth of a free Republic thewhereabouts of the circus tent.

3.Note—This supplied a want long felt, as the army hadhitherto rallied round Mr. Washington’s red pocket handkerchieftied to a broom handle.

It was in the fall of 1780 that one BenedictArnold, being seriously inconveniencedfor want of funds, employed some very questionablemeans of getting on his financiallegs again. After laying his head togetherfor a spell, he resolved to realize on somereal estate belonging to the colonial government,and make a European tour on theproceeds.

He secretly negotiated with the British118Commander, Lord Clinton, (then at NewYork,) for the sale of a few acres at WestPoint, where he (Arnold) happened to bein command, which he agreed to transferto the said Lord Clinton for and inconsideration of $50,000 to him, the saidArnold, paid in hand.

120It is true, the property was occupied byGovernment as a military post of someimportance, and was the repository of valuablestores and munitions of war, andbesides the nucleus of the American armywas garrisoned there. But Arnold wastoo much of a man of business to leta little drawback of that sort stand betweenhim and a bargain. He said hewould throw all these in if the otherparty was willing. The other party good-naturedlyagreed to overlook all drawbacks,and sent his man Friday, MajorAndré, to close the bargain and bring theproperty home. After a very pleasantinterview with Arnold behind a haystack,which resulted to the satisfaction of both,Major André started for New York withthe title-deed for the newly acquired propertysafely stowed away in his left coat-tailpocket. He had proceeded some distanceon his journey when he was stopped bythree American gentlemen whom he met,and who, with that unhappy inquisitivenessto which their race is notoriously predisposed,desired information as to whence hehad come, whither he was going, and what“line” he was in.

The Major, with great ingenuity, repliedthat he was a representative of the pressfrom New York, and had been to headquarters121to interview General Washingtonas to what he thought his chances werein the coming presidential canvass, andwhether he, as an honest man, really consideredhimself a fit person to be entrustedwith an army? and if it were true, as hadbeen represented, that he advocated theintroduction of the new breech-loadingumbrellas into the army as a militarymeasure? whether he was not afraid ofhurting himself with his sword, or puttingsomebody’s eyes out by the careless habithe had of pointing out beauties in thelandscape (see equestrian portraits) withthat weapon? also whether he had anychewing tobacco?

However plausibly the Major’s account ofhimself might strike most people, it failedto satisfy those to whom it was addressed.

122They said they had at first merelylooked upon him as a suspicious character,but now, by his own confessed connectionwith the press, they could not regard him inany other light than that of a very dangerousperson, to say the least, and theymust trouble him to turn his pocketsinside out.

With tears in his eyes he took from hispockets an oroide watch, a jackknife, andsome Erie railway shares.

“Let me go hence,” he said, in a voicechoked with emotion, “and these shall beyour guerdons; there is just a guerdonapiece. You can toss up among you forthe choice.”

But, although his captors happened tobe wealthy capitalists, they declined to addto their means at the expense of honor.123They said guerdons were out of their line,and demanded to know if he (the Major)could discern anything of a verdant tingein their optics. The Major could not forthe life of him. One of these low fellowsthen hinted that he more than suspectedthe true nature of their (now) prisoner, andhe must be investigated, and further, by avery expressive pantomime (catching himselfby the throat, opening his eyes verywide, protruding his tongue and breathinghard) tried to convey some idea of whatwould happen if his suspicions should provecorrect.

The gallant Major was never so mortifiedin his life before. He began to wonderwhat would ever become of him if thesevulgar persons into whose hands he hadfallen should really so far misconstrue his124conduct as to condemn him for a spy?

He was not kept long in suspense. (Seeillustration on page 119.)

There is one incident in connection withAndré’s capture which has always been unaccountablyoverlooked by other historians,and which if we omitted in this place weshould feel that we had not conscientiouslydischarged our duty.

When Major André found himself a captivehe felt that it would be very desirableto communicate with Arnold before theirtransactions should be made public. He alsosaw the impossibility of reaching him bytelegraph, as that means of correspondencewas not to be invented until half a centuryor more later, and to delay so long as that125might be fatal. While casting about forsome means of giving warning to hisfriend, his eye chanced to rest upon a specimenof the canine species of the yellowpersuasion belonging to one of his captors,and a ray of hope gleamed in upon hissoul.

They had halted for the night, intendingto proceed with the prisoner to headquartersnext morning, and preparations werebeing made for supper. An empty tincoffee-pot sat near the fire, and the yellowdog sat near the tin coffee-pot blinking atthe fire, his mind evidently absorbed insome abstruse canine problem. By acurious, though perhaps natural associationof ideas, the Briton saw here the crude materialsfor communicating with Arnoldready to his hand.

126Pretending to make an entry in his diaryhe hastily scribbled off these lines:

“Friend Benedict:

Owing to circ*mstances over which I have nocontrol, I am unable to take any further steps in thatlittle matter of ours at present; the boys have inpoint of fact scooped me. You would have been abetter man in my place. Hoping to meet you in thehappy hunting grounds, I am yours, in limbo,

P.S.—By the way, hadn’t you better drop in uponour mutual friend General Clinton at New York andremain with him for a few days until it blows over?I only throw this out as a mere suggestion. Goodbye.

Watching his opportunity when his captors’backs were turned, the Major slipped127this epistle into the coffee-pot, clapped onthe lid, and, having diverted the canine’sattention by means of a piece of salt pork,which had been originally laid out for theapproaching meal, hastily appended thetin vessel to his caudal extremity, and havingwith nice precision turned the animal’snose in the direction of Arnold’s tent, hegave the tail an agonizing twist, and—andthe party did without coffee that night.

The yellow dog came duly to hand, andMr. Arnold was not slow in acting uponthe hint contained in the message hebrought. With that long-headednesswhich is the characteristic of the true manof business he anticipated any investigationof his conduct that might follow by resigningand changing his residence at once.We learn that he subsequently went to128Europe, but up to the present writing hasnot yet returned.

129If any one doubts the incident we havejust related about the way in which thenews of André’s capture reached Arnold,he has only to narrowly scrutinize ourillustration, which treats of the momentwhen the sagacious quadruped reaches theAmerican lines. With almost human intelligencehe overturns the sentinel, who,doubtful of the nature of his business, haschallenged his further progress.

For Mr. Arnold’s own sake we regret theimprudent course he pursued to improvethe state of his exchequer. It is true hisfunds were low, and no one can blame himfor wanting to make a “raise.” But thenhe ought to have remembered that thereare always honest as well as lucrative pursuits130open to the deserving poor involvingbut small investments; for instance, hemight have started a paper, peddledmatches, got an appointment in the Cabinet,blacked boots, organized savings banks, orwritten comic histories.

We are aware that these invaluable suggestionscome too late to apply specificallyto Mr. Arnold’s case, but we do hope thatall who have invested capital in this bookwill shape their course by the few hints wehave here thrown out, and above all rememberthat the plucking out of even the tailfeathers of the American Eagle for commercialpurposes is ever attended withrisk.

On a more thorough investigation of thesubject we learn that Benedict Arnold isdead, and has been for some time; but helives in American history.

Cornwallis, commander of the Britishforces, placed his sword at the disposal ofGeneral Washington on the 19th of October,1781, and took passage on the nextsteamer for Europe.

The final scene in the history of the warfor American liberty is graphically setforth on page 132. It is copied froma group of wax-works illustrative of thatevent, and is, therefore, warranted reliable.

The war was now virtually over, but itwas not until two years later that England132signed a quit-claim deed resigning all rightand title to its American property.

133The Continental army was disbanded,and returning to their homes the soldiershammered their muskets and things intoplowshares and sold them to the farmers.The battle fields were cut up into cornerlots, and a season of great prosperity began.Washington was elected President of theyoung Republic, and gave great satisfactionin that capacity. His second term havingexpired, he wrote an address of greatliterary merit and retired to private life atMount Vernon. He ingeniously forged alittle hatchet out of his sword for his littlestep-son, and taught him how to chop downcherry trees with neatness and dispatch andown up to it afterwards.

It is always very noble and all that sortof thing when a nation or individuals sacrificeanything for a principle. Sometimessuch sacrifice meets with immediate rewardand sometimes the reward is delayed andthe parties making the sacrifice have towait indefinitely for their pay. A littleincident which befel an ancestor of oursillustrates both these propositions to someextent, and having a few moments to sparewe are tempted to relate it briefly, asfollows.

We have always from childhood’s hourinstinctively recoiled from politics, and havethus far managed to keep out of Congress.If with equal success we can manage tokeep out of jail for the rest of our naturalexistence we shall feel that life has notaltogether been a failure. (This is whatis called genuine broad American humor.If the reader can find nothing in it toexcite his risibilities after a reasonabletrial his money will be refunded.)

147When it first reached the ears of thepresent Administration through the Librarianof Congress, to whom we applied fora copyright, that we were about to publisha history of our native land, wereceived per return mail a letter signedby the Administration, asking us if wewould accept the appointment of U. S.Minister to the South Sea Islands. Thisoffice had just been made vacant by thecirc*mstance of the last incumbent havingparticipated in a public banquet given inhonor of his arrival at his consulate, andbeing himself the principal ingredient ofa certain savory ragout, his presence there,it would seem, proved fatal, and it was hisplace which we were invited to supply.

We returned a somewhat evasive answer.

We never voted but once in our life, and148that was at a presidential election soon afterreaching our majority. We voted for ——,but no matter. To offend party prejudiceat this time might be fatal to our hopes.The day after the election we received abill of two dollars for “poll-tax,” whichthe collector said we owed and we had betterpay or have our body lodged in thecounty jail until we should call for it, andsettle up what was due on it to the State.The unprincipled man had obtained ouraddress from the registry books, and thisour first ebullition of patriotism cost us twodollars.

However much inclined we may be bynature and experience to avoid the subjectof politics as a rule, it now becomes our dutyto make mention of certain exponents ofAmerican politics, but whether to their advantage149or disadvantage will depend entirelyupon the record they have left behindthem.

We take it for granted, (you may havenoticed that a great deal is taken for grantedin this book,) that the reader is alreadyacquainted with the duties of the Presidentof the United States. If not, let him loseno time in reading up on the subject, forwe are all liable at any moment to benominated to the office, and it would bedreadfully mortifying not to know howto go to work.

We have seen in the preceding chaptershow liberty was planted on American soil,but the crop must be watched and takencare of, and for this duty the office ofPresident was created. Eighteen differentpersons have successively undertaken the150contract of guarding the crop sown by ourforefathers, and in one or two incidents, weregret to say, these have turned out to bemere scarecrows, and sorry ones at that.

This scathing remark is not intended toapply to

who, as we have already shown, was thefirst President of the United States, andwho did as well as could be expected for afirst attempt. In fact, George did wellwhatever he undertook to do, and we have nocomplaint to make in these pages against him.

On page 151 will be found some illustratedparticulars concerning this great man’slife, which our readers, young and old, willdo well to imitate. The series of silhouettesat the top of the page treat of theStory of the Little Hatchet.

151

152No. 1. Here we see the Grandfather ofhis Country climbing a cherry tree aftercherries.

No. 2. His little son (afterwards Fatherof his Country) is here seen chopping atsaid tree with his little hatchet.

No. 3. How should he know that the oldman was up said tree, and if so, what businesshad he up there anyhow?

No. 4. “I’ll let you know,” is what theold gentleman remarked. “I did it withmy little hatchet,” roared George as wellas he could from his embarrassing position,“but I’ll never do so no more!”

Advice gratis. When you chop downcherry trees wait until the old man goesout of town.

No. 5. Gives us a fine view of the site of153Washington’s birthplace, and shows whatan enterprising man Dr. Binks is.

No. 6. The crop of persons who havemissed and otherwise remember Washingtonis pretty good this year.

No. 7. Here we have a party who does notremember Washington to any great extent.Thinks he has heard the name somewhere.

“O piteous spectacle!”

Washington’s immediate successor was

who was inaugurated March 4, 1797. Hedisplayed superior capacity for the positionby removing the national capital fromPhiladelphia to Washington, where it hasremained ever since. It was a good riddancefor Philadelphia, but rather severeon Washington.

155Mr. Adams only served one term. Hewas naturally a little piqued at not beingnominated the second time, and retiring toQuincy, Mass., he started an oppositionpost office, where he passed his decliningyears.

was the third President of the UnitedStates. He was a gentleman of fine literaryattainments, his most popular worksbeing the Declaration of Independence anda humorous poem called “Beautiful Snow.”He wrote the latter during the winter of1798, (which was the most severe of anywithin the memory of the oldest inhabitant,)working on it of nights. He servedtwo terms, and in the Spring of 1809 wentto work on a farm, where he spent the sunsetof his days cultivating potatoes. Hesaid it was easier than being President, anda great deal more respectable.

next took charge of the helm of State, andvery unsettled weather he found it for anew beginner.

During his Administration the countrybecame involved in another war withGreat Britain, growing out of certain libertiestaken by the latter with American vesselsupon the high seas.

Whenever an English man-of-war ranshort of hands its commander simply helpedhimself from the crew of any Americanmerchantman he happened to encounter.James Madison stood it as long as he could,and then declared war. This was called158the “War of Twelve,” (afterwards increasedto several thousand,) and lasted two years.

Commodore Perry met the enemy on theErie canal on the 10th of September, 1814,and after a spirited naval battle they werehis property.

☞ See illustration.

woke up one fine morning in 1817 and foundhimself President of the United States.He set his wits to work and invented the“Monroe Doctrine,” a neat and ingeniouscontrivance for preventing any foreignPower from starting branch houses inAmerica. He got it patented.

Mr. Monroe declined a third term on accountof the cry of “Cæsarism” havingbeen raised by a rural journal. On retiring161from public life Mr. Monroe entered uponliterary pursuits, and wrote some very abledime novels. His master-piece, called “ThePoisoned Peanut, or the Ghostly Goblin ofthe Gory Glen,” has been translated intoevery language.

of Massachusetts, next tried on the presidentialshoes (1825). Business being dull, Mr.Adams whitewashed the Presidential Mansion,(a barrel of lime having been appropriatedby Congress,) since which time ithas been known as the White House.

Mr. Adams conducted himself in a gentlemanlymanner, kept good hours, and paidhis board regularly.

was next called to the chair. Mr. Jackson162lived chiefly upon hickory nuts, and it wasin recognition of this well-known fact thathe was affectionately nicknamed “OldHickory” by his admirers.

163He sometimes made use of very forciblelanguage, and on more than one occasionwas distinctly heard to swear, “by theeternal Jingo, the Constitution must andshall be preserved!”

Mr. Jackson had been elected on theDemocratic ticket.

In our illustration Mr. Jackson is seenclimbing a shell-bark hickory tree in questof his favorite luxury. The portrait isstriking. The shirt collar especially willbe recognized by all who held office underthis remarkable man.

was inaugurated March 4, 1837. A financialcrash, called the panic of ’37, immediatelyfollowed, so it is to be feared thatMartin was a bad financier. If we hadbeen elected in his stead we would haveadopted an entirely different financial policy.

The disastrous results of Van Buren’sAdministration are painfully apparent inthe illustration on page 166.

William Henry Harrison moved into theWhite House March 4, 1841. He died justone month after, and Vice-President JohnTyler stepped into his shoes. He put hisfoot in it, however, and astonished theparty who had elected him (the Whigs) byhis vetoing talents. He rather overdidit in the case of a bill passed by Congress166to establish United States banks, and everymember of his Cabinet resigned exceptingDan. Webster, who was then too busily engagedon his dictionary to think of makingout a resignation.

167President Tyler was a handsome manbut a bad manager.

was elected on the Democratic ticket, by alarge majority, in 1844, and managed to getinto a row with Mexico by admitting Texasinto the Union soon after his accessionto the chair. Mexico set up a frivolousclaim to the territory, which, owing to theprompt measures adopted by Mr. Polk, shewas unable to establish.

The war which followed between theUnited States and Mexico was short but169sanguinary, as the reader will admit on referenceto our illustration, which, aside fromits historical value, gives those of us whohave never served our country an excellentopportunity of seeing how a battle is conductedwithout incurring any unnecessaryrisk. Whoever can look upon this fearfulscene of carnage without having the coldchills run down his back must be stonyhearted indeed. We would not like toboard in the same block with such a person.Even as we write we fancy we can smellthe sulphuric vapors of burning powder,but that after all may be only theGerman restaurant below getting dinnerready.

With the exception of certain little eccentricitiesof character, (hardly worthmentioning,) Mr. Polk proved a very170desirable tenant of the White House, andon retiring left it in good repair.

Zachary Taylor took the White Houseoff Mr. Polk’s hands, but only survived sixmonths.

Vice-President Millard Fillmore succeededhim, and having by accident discoveredthat there was a good deal of gold secretedabout California, recognized the importanceof admitting her into the Union lest someforeign Power should take it into its headto carry off the rich territory some darknight. There was special danger to be apprehendedfrom China, which had alreadybegun to make excavations from below.President Fillmore lost no time in takingCalifornia in, and many ambitious younggentlemen of culture went there and grew172up with the country. In the work of arton page 172, we behold one of the latterjourneying toward the setting sun, accompaniedby as many of the luxuries of civilizationas his limited means of transportationwill admit of.

173There seem to be one or two incongruitiesin this otherwise master-piece whichwe are at a loss how to reconcile withknown laws of science. We allude moreparticularly to the phenomenon of the sunand moon shining simultaneously. Butfor the artist’s usual respectful way of treatingserious subjects we should be inclinedto suspect that he was trifling with ourfeelings. The worst of it is, the paradoxescaped our notice until after the plates hadbeen cast. We hope our artist will be ableto explain it away on his return from Rome.

next undertook to fill the vacancy. Natureabhors a vacuum, and generally fills it withwind if it can do no better. Republicssometimes imitate her example, and theelection of Mr. Buchanan was a case inpoint. He was chronically afflicted with“squatter sovereignty,” and spent most ofhis time in trying to comprehend Americanpolitics.

During Buchanan’s Administration JohnBrown and Sons undertook the contractof exterminating slavery, and as an initialstep seized and burned the United StatesArsenal at Harper’s Ferry. But the firmfailed before the job was half completed.

Mr. Brown’s body now lies moulderingin the grave, but it is due to him to statethat his soul goes marching on.

175

176On a previous page will be found JohnBrown’s soul in the act of marching. Ourartist was unable to obtain a very exactsketch as it was getting quite dark.

Abraham Lincoln was next voted intothe chair, which reminds us of a little anecdote.

Some years ago an Erie canal boat wasweighing anchor in the harbor of New Yorkpreparatory to setting sail for Buffalo,when the Captain was hailed by a wearywayfarer, who said he wanted to go toBuffalo, and having no money was willingto work his passage. The heart of theold salt was touched; a tear stole downhis weather-beaten cheek, and he allowedthe poor man to lead one of the mules onthe tow-path all the way to Buffalo.

178Abraham Lincoln was willing to workhis passage. He earned every cent of hissalary, and rendered services to humanitywhich humanity will not soon forget. Soonafter his inauguration, in 1861, the Southernrebellion broke out, which was eventuallyput down by the “hundred days’ men.” Onpage 179 will be found some cheerful particularsof the war between the North andSouth, the more somber details of whichwe leave to other and abler pens and pencils.

180Vice-President Andrew Johnson succeededMr. Lincoln, with somewhat doubtfulsuccess. As Mr. Johnson was a tailor byeducation he seemed to be the man of allothers cut out for the place; but his subsequentconduct gave rise to conflicting opinionson this subject. He became the unfortunateproprietor of a “policy”[4] whichgave Congress a good deal of trouble.Near the expiration of his official career hegot a leave of absence, and “swung aroundthe circle,” (as he himself expressed it,)making speeches in which he comparedhimself to Andrew Jackson and seriouslycompromised himself by shamelessly admittingthat he had held every office in thegift of the people, from Alderman of hisnative village to President of the UnitedStates.

4.Note.—We have tried in vain to procure a ground planof this “policy,” hence we are unable to furnish any illustrationto this branch of our subject.

During Mr. Johnson’s Administration hehad more woes on account of Congress

Mr. Johnson would gladly have dispensed181with Congress. Indeed, on one occasionhe made an attempt to impeach that body,but failed by one vote.

Andy was very glad indeed at the expirationof his term to get back to his goose.As far as Congress was concerned the pleasurewas mutual.

was put under bonds to keep the peaceMarch 4, 1869, and has been that way eversince. It is but justice to Mr. Grant to statethat we have had good crops during hisAdministration, which is now drawing to aclose. The New York Herald has offeredhim a third term, but we have informationderived from private sources that he intendsfulfilling a life-long project of taking apartnership on the Sun, which Mr. Danahas kept open for him.

183At the present writing it has not beendecided who will succeed Grant in the Executivechair. We cannot permit our nameto be used in connection with the approachingcanvass for reasons already explicitlystated; besides this is the Centennial year,and we expect to have our hands full.

We have now placed the reader in possessionof all the facts worth knowing inconnection with the history of Americafrom its very earliest discovery up to teno’clock last night; but before finally releasinghis button-hole we beg to “show himround” a little among our peculiar institutions,and call his attention to a few evidencesof national greatness which maynever have struck him before.

Let us, then, turn over a new leaf andopen a new chapter.

Popular superstition has it that necessityis the mother of invention. We are sorry todeprive the world of an old saying, but wehappen to know a person to whom theworld is indebted for more useful inventionsthan any other person of our acquaintance,and her name is Accident. For instance,

was accidentally discovered by that famousAmerican statesman and philosopher, BenjaminFranklin, while indulging in hisfavorite pastime of flying a kite. He ascertainedthat it was unsafe to fly a kite ina thunder storm unless you have a lightningrod attached to your spinal column. Thisimportant discovery conferred upon societythe priceless boon of the lightning-rod man.

THE COTTON-GIN

is an American invention, but whether itcompares favorably with “Old Tom” or“London Dock” we are unable to say. Wedo not believe in stimulants as a rule, yetit cannot be denied that the introduction of187the new-fangled gin greatly stimulated thecultivation of cotton in America.

America took the lead in railroad construction,though the locomotive is claimedas an English contrivance.

The first railway train was a somewhatcrude affair, but it succeeded in making asensation. The locomotive was built byPeter Cooper, and he it was who ran themachine on its experimental trip.

The passengers were a surgeon, a chaplain,an editor, (names forgotten,) John Smith,and another fellow, (all dead-heads.) Mr.Cooper poked the fire, the other fellowpushed behind, while John Smith urbanelyacted as cow-catcher. The clergyman rodein the smoking-car and meditated on the189probabilities of ever seeing his family againthis side of Jordan. The editor went tosleep, while the doctor sat behind ready tojump out and save himself in case of accident.

190After a delightful excursion of fifty milesor so into the country the party returnedhome—afoot.

THE FIRST STEAMBOAT

was discovered by Robert Fulton September4th, 1807. Our special artist was promptlyon the spot, and we are thus enabled to laybefore our readers all that is worth knowingof this event in the picture opposite.

THE TEN-CYLINDER PRINTING PRESS.

Newspapers have become a householdnecessity in every well-regulated American191family. They mould public opinion, andare handy to light fires with. The universaluse of newspapers gave rise to the ten-cylinderprinting press, an American invention.

192The publication of a daily newspaper isone of the most lucrative professions ofthe day, and we strongly advise our Americanyouth to abandon all idea of everbecoming President, and save up all theirpennies to start newspapers with whenthey grow up. An ably-conducted dailynewspaper brings from two and a half tothree cents per pound at the junk dealers,when times are good. On page 193 aresome illustrated features of a well-conductednewspaper office. The central pictureis full of tender pathos. The editorand proprietor (evidently a man of slender193means) is seen working off his edition, assistedby his near relatives. Each individual,from the proud wife and doting motherto the infant at her breast, seems to attachweight to the enterprise with a degree of enthusiasmthat ought to encourage any man.

The Electro-Magnetic Submarine Trans-AtlanticAnglo-American Telegraph Cableis, perhaps, the most wonderful of all Yankeenotions. By its agency our greatmorning dailies are able to get the mostunreliable foreign news at the low rate often dollars per word. The only wonder ishow people on both sides of the water evergot on so long without the cable.

On page 195 is a picture representing thesubmarine cable, for which we cannot help195suspecting the artist has drawn largely onhis imagination.

is of doubtful origin. Some authoritiesgive the credit of its invention to JosephSmith, while others do not hesitate toascribe its origin to a gentleman whom themind naturally associates with sulphuricgases. However that may be, Mormonismis one of the institutions of the country,and Brigham Young is its prophet, hispresent address being Salt Lake City,Utah.

Mr. Young makes a specialty of matrimony,and has taken strict precautions toguard against widowhood, as will be seenby reference to our illustration, in whichare seen Mr. and Mrs. Young on theirbridal tour.

198Brigham makes it a point of etiquetteto marry every unmarried lady to whomhe happens to be introduced, and his life isa perennial honeymoon. To the merelyGentile man, whose matrimonial experiencehas been conducted on monogamic principles,the hardihood of Mr. Young is simplyappalling.

AN APPARATUS

to keep hens from setting is an effervescenceof the fertile brain of, well, no matterwho. It speaks for itself.

For further information on the interestingsubject of Yankee ingenuity we commendthe reader’s careful perusal of theUnited States Patent Office Report, awork unequaled for the brilliancy of itsconception and startling dramatic situations,and which, for its conscientiousadhesion to facts, only has a rival in thepresent work.

The visitor to the Capitol, at Washington,will be struck with the paucity ofAmerican art, as evinced by the specimensof painting and sculpture to be seen in theRotunda and immediate vicinity of thatstructure. Barrels of paint and wholequarries of marble have been sacrificed byan inscrutable Congress, whose sole objectseems to have been to frighten its constituencyaway from the scene of its darkplottings with grotesque Washingtons,fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies,and unprincipled looking Puritans. Somemeritorious works of art, however, have201lately found their way to the Capitol byaccident, but let us have more of them.We humbly submit a few designs forequestrian statuary, which only await amisappropriation by Congress, as follows:

The origin of the North AmericanIndian has always been shrouded in thedeepest mystery, and wise-heads of everyage and clime have sought to tear asidethe veil and show us our aboriginal brotherin his true colors.

Some of these learned gentlemen havecarried their zeal to the extent of rentingwigwams in the Indian country, and living207among these primitive children of the forest,hoping, by dint of listening at key-holes,to overhear some remark dropped by themthat would reveal where they emigratedfrom, but nothing came of it but prematurebaldness to the wise-head so investigating.Others again have comfortably settleddown into the belief that these singularmembers of society are a revised edition ofthe strayed or stolen tribes of Israel thathave so long been advertised for in vain.

In support of this theory the latterclass of philosophers has dived into sidehills, (supposed to have been thrown up byan eccentric race of Indians known asmound builders,) turning up every conceivablearticle of second-hand Indian miscellany,and asking the world to believe thatthese mysterious “mounds” were simply208subterraneous pawnbroker’s shops, built andconducted in obedience to a well-knownnational instinct, and that the articles theycontain are nothing more nor less than unredeemedpledges “left” by impecunious prehistoricladies and gentlemen who werecompelled to resort to that means of raisingthe wind.

On page 209 our artist shows us the exponentsof the latter theory at work, andalso gives us a singularly correct drawingof some of the bric-a-brac which they haveunearthed. We will take the liberty ofexplaining further, and tell all we knowconcerning the supposed uses of thesemysterious articles.

A is supposed to be a surgical instrument.B, an instrument of torture. C,toilet article. D, lady’s ear ornament. E,209ancient drinking vessel. F, tombstone, withinscription. G, pottery. H, musical instrument.I, skull of native (deceased).

210In the lower series we have: No. 1,artist’s utensil. 2, uses unknown to theauthor. 3, patent hen’s nest (badly out ofrepair). 4, vinaigrette. 5, projectile. 6,bracelet. 7, war club. 8, burglar’s tool(very ancient). 9, cooking utensil.

After going carefully over this array ofevidence one naturally hesitates before lookingfurther for a theory. But, taking forgranted that the Indians really are a remnantof those mislaid Israelites, the difficultynext arises as to how the dickensthey got here, for when the Israelites werefirst missed there was as yet no railwaycommunication between this country andAsia, and unless they tunneled their way211up through, via China, it is difficult toaccount for their presence here.

In common with other great minds, we,too, have devoted much of our spare timeto the effort of setting our red brother onhis legs before the world, and of tracinghis footprints back through the ages, butuntil quite recently we have been uniformlybaffled. The fact is, our redbrother ought really to have kept a diary.He would thus have saved us wise-acresmuch trouble and unnecessary expense.The next time we hope he will not overlookthis important detail.

As we said, all our efforts to trace theIndians back to their origin had faileduntil recently. We rejected the “remnant”theory after a fair trial. We comparedthis remnant with the original piece212(so claimed), and found it a bad match.In the face of strong evidence we renewedour efforts, which were destinedto meet with reward, as will be seen presently.

A month or two since it luckily occurredto us to address a letter to a skillful sachem,(who happens to be an acquaintance ofours, and is at present located out West,)upon this interesting subject.

This gentleman, who is of the Choctawpersuasion, and was christened Gimmechawtybackee,(Billious Jake,) sent us amost courteous and comprehensive reply,which came to hand a few days since, andwhich covers the whole ground in the mostlucid manner. We wonder we neverthought of it before.

214

215We here insert Billious Jake’s letterverbatim. It is a master-piece of composition,and sets the matter forever at rest.(Daily papers please copy.)

Before changing the subject, we shouldreally like to pictorially look into thehabits of these strange victims of circ*mstances.Examine page 214, if you please.In No. 1 we see a stony-hearted savagetaking a very mean advantage of a whitecaptive, and torturing him to death in themost horrible and deliberate manner. No.2, an early settler pursued by a native.No. 3, Indian barber. And lastly, in No.4, we have an Indian gentleman journeyingtowards the setting sun on dead-head principles.

“His faithful dog shall bear him company.”—Campbell.

Few countries can boast such a varietyof natural features as our own America.

To the intelligent tourist of unlimitedbank account this country affords abundantmaterial for the study of nature withall the modern improvements, includinggas, hot and cold water, and an elevatorrunning every five minutes up to the fifteenthfloor. Terms invariably in advance.

Our illustration on the opposite pageconveys but a feeble idea of the magnitudeof some of the wonderful freaks of nature217which the tourist “doing” American isliable at any moment to stumble upon.

218In No. 1 we have the Mammoth Cave.It takes its name from the gentlemanupon whose property it is located, andwho uses it as a sub-cellar in Winter,and locks himself up in it during thetax-gathering season. Our illustrationtreats of the latter period. The NaturalBridge (No. 2) is a marvel of architecture,and is lavishly decorated with appropriateinscriptions. No. 3 hardly comes underthe head of Natural Scenery, and wouldappear to be rather a sudden change fromthe sweet realms of nature to the busyhaunts of men; but contrast is everything,and we turn from this turbulent scene toone of delicious repose. No. 4, a Westernprairie. Here the eye wanders off over a219rich and varied landscape of level country,till finally in the distance it encounterswhat? a vast spider? No. That is onlythe setting sun, as we ascertained in a privateconversation with the artist. No. 5. Wehardly know how to treat this matter. Inwriting about Niagara it is customary toeither rush madly into poetry or breakhysterically into exclamation points. Wehad heard a great deal about the awfulmajesty of Niagara Falls, and went thereto obtain, if possible, a personal interview,intending to write it up in a style thatwould bankrupt our printer. We say wewent there expecting much, but we foundthat the half had not been told us. If ithad, we should have remained at home.Perhaps the least said about it the better.

A work of this nature would be incompletewithout some slight allusion to theAmerican Eagle. With reference to thatornithological specimen, we may remarkthat the first century of his career has beenan eventful one. His wings have fromtime to time been cropped by foreign foesin a style that has made it unnecessary aswell as impossible to scorch them againstthe sun. His tail feathers have been extractedby internecine strife in a manner221that has made it extremely difficult for himto steer his majestic course amid the blueether of Freedom, and his flight at timeshas been awkward and eccentric in theextreme. In short, the plumage has beenplucked from various parts of his body bydivers evil-disposed persons to such an extentas to make aerial navigation in a rarefiedatmosphere an uncomfortable, not tosay highly injurious pursuit.

222Notwithstanding all this we feel authorizedto inform the public that our nationalfowl is as tough as a boarding-house springchicken; that he will continue to roost athis present address until further notice,spreading his wings from the Atlantic tothe Pacific, beneath the shadow of whichall persons of good character are invited tocome (references exchanged). Here every223one, from the peon to the prince, if not satisfiedwith his present situation, can find arefuge, and by strict attention to businessbecome an Alderman of somebody else’snative village and have canal boats namedafter him, or, (by very strict attention tobusiness) even rise to be President[5] ofthe United States!

5.Note—Since the above piece of rhetoric went to press wehave ascertained (quite accidentally) that persons are noteligible to this office who have the misfortune to be bornabroad. Therefore we hastily append this postscript lestany unsuspecting peon or prince who might chance to readthese pages be inveigled over here under a misapprehension.If he comes now it must be on his own responsibility.